Christmas Gifts

This is the long list of Christmas prizes I'd love to give...

To...

Our Lord: Thanks

The Tennessee Titans: A trip to the playoffs.

Floyd Reese: Asante Samuels and Dwight Freeney. Both free agents this off season.

The Nashville Predators: a healthy Thomas Vokoun

Hillary Clinton: a soul.

George W Bush: A thousand paper cuts... and a gallon of rubbing alcohol.

Vox: three rounds with Al Franken.. and a well restored MG to the winner.

Spacebunny: a week off.

Res Ipsa: Buckzilla

Mrs Res Ipsa: Patience... no wait... she clearly already has plenty.

EP: A plump woman who sleeps soundly and cooks to much.. and a KLX 250.

JAC: A trip to Mexico... dust and glory.

DJ: Ducati 748... duh...

MM: A home in the South, where he belongs.

Bill: A tig... and a bottle of makers... to be used simultaneously.

Underwater Operative: How Not to Dress Like a Sissy: The Definitive Handbook.

Will: a Springfield 1911... and house gun

JamieR: Musical taste... and tolerence... alcohol tolerence... and a week in Tennessee.. where he would need it.

Kristy and Dave: USB rocket launchers!

The Rest of the Harem girls: One night...

Farmer Tom: a freshly restored John Deere 8020.

***UPDATE***

Do to complaints from the peanut gallery... I offer this addendum:

To Jeb: A BIIIIIIIIIIIIG Cotton Picker... with forks! Like a Combine!

To Eli: The Biggest Bear Ever.

And to you wife... you get an appreciative husband.